acknowledgingautism

  End of Semester One Today marked the completion of my first semester of university and I couldn’t be happier. Never did I think that I would enjoy something as much as I enjoyed going to school, but university enables me to be and do so much more. The past three months have been a journey, but I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I’ve made friends, found my new safe place, made memories which I will remember forever and have started to learn things that will enable me to pursue a career doing things that I generally enjoy. I would be lying if I said that it’s been easy, it hasn’t and there have been times where I’ve wanted to give up. Each time though I’ve been reminded of why I started, and that answer has made me keep going. Even now, the thought of starting again next year makes me excited. I look forward to the memories and things to be learnt that the next year will bring.

  A year on... On this day last year, I received a phone call from a lady who confirmed my diagnosis of autism. I remember the moment so well, I recall how I felt happy and quite annoyed and frustrated all at the same time. Looking back now, I’m surprised at how well I coped in that moment. I was in school and had to keep myself together until I got home – I remember how I spent the rest of the school day thinking about the best way to tell my mum. I think I probably felt quite scared, I didn’t know what this meant for the rest of my life. I do sometimes think that perhaps one of the reasons as to why I felt so ‘connected’ to school was because that’s where I found out who I really was, that’s where I received permission to be me. On this day last year, I would not have thought I’d be where I am now. A lot has changed since that day last November. I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last year. I’ve learnt to be patient, that I am exactly where I need to be. I’ve learnt to tru...

  To the voice on my shoulder You sat on my shoulder and made me feel bad, Every little thing that went wrong you made me get so mad. Made me act in a way that wasn’t like me, Repeatedly told me I was no longer free. It soon became apparent that you meant what you said, Just after two weeks I began to believe everything you read. When I tried to find peace you sat on my shoulder, Throwing words at me that hit like a boulder. Words that pushed me back a step or two, Words that often made me question if it was me talking or you. You made me weak you pushed me down, Made me change, made me frown. You questioned me when I tried to do something good, Leaving me wondering if I was actually capable of what I thought I could. I believed every word you said, I followed the routes and paths you led. You told me I was thick, that I let everyone down, Told me I was pointless and that I had to change my life around. That I had to do this, and I had to do that, Everything right and in your exact...

A letter to my parents - what I wish I could have told them a year ago I hope you know that I don’t expect you to get everything right, this is new to both of us, and nobody is perfect. There are going to be moments in the future which are going to push us both to our limits, but together we will find ways to get through them. It won’t be until we find ourselves in these situations that we realise how strong and capable we both really are. I would be lying if these next few months are going to be easy. There’s going to be many changes which will bring an enormous amount of confusion to my life. In these times I just ask you to remain you and be who you’ve always been. These changes will come naturally with feelings of guilt for the both of us. I really hope you know that you have done nothing wrong and none of this is your fault. I hope you know that it hurts me as much as it hurts you to know that your heart is breaking watching me struggle. Over the next few months, I’m going...

  Coming up against difficulties - How I'm finding uni My second week of uni is going better than I thought it would be. I haven’t given up yet. I’m hoping that in time everything will fall into place and the things that I’m still finding difficult will all work themselves out. I am still struggling with quite a few things though. I’m finding it quite tough to connect with people. I think I’m scared of letting people in because I’m worried about what they might think when they realise who I really am. I’m worried about what their reactions might be when they see me struggling, when they see me do things in a way that might seem different from other people. I look around in my lectures and see everyone else getting on so well with each other – I just seem to be finding this a lot more difficult than the others in my classes. I’ve tried really hard and still am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone, I sit on a table with the same four people every lecture and I try to engage i...

  My first day of Uni Yesterday I had my first induction day at uni. I was quite nervous but nowhere near as bad as I thought I’d be on my first day. Despite feeling these nerves, I did also feel a sense of excitement for the day ahead. My first two inductions went really well. I got to meet and get to know people on the same course as me which was really good. I was able to chat, and both join in and start conversations with others. It was good. The third and final induction of the day though was with a lot more people. 397 to be exact. This made me very anxious and so I did have a bit of a moment. Not only did I have the anxiety of the next induction but there was also an hour break in between our second and third induction which most people used to eat their lunch. I found that this unstructured time added to my anxiety and the canteen area, where I went with some others from my course to eat their lunch, was very busy and loud and I found this very overwhelming. It did all work...