A year on

 

A year on...

On this day last year, I received a phone call from a lady who confirmed my diagnosis of autism. I remember the moment so well, I recall how I felt happy and quite annoyed and frustrated all at the same time. Looking back now, I’m surprised at how well I coped in that moment. I was in school and had to keep myself together until I got home – I remember how I spent the rest of the school day thinking about the best way to tell my mum. I think I probably felt quite scared, I didn’t know what this meant for the rest of my life. I do sometimes think that perhaps one of the reasons as to why I felt so ‘connected’ to school was because that’s where I found out who I really was, that’s where I received permission to be me.

On this day last year, I would not have thought I’d be where I am now. A lot has changed since that day last November. I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last year. I’ve learnt to be patient, that I am exactly where I need to be. I’ve learnt to trust time and the unexpected paths that life throws at us. I’ve also learnt that there are some kind people in this world, people who in weeks of knowing you can make you feel what a person who knew you for years couldn’t. Whilst the uncertainty of life can still prove to be quite challenging, I have learnt to cope and adapt.

There have been some really difficult times. There’s been days where I’ve wanted to give up, day’s where I’ve been so distraught and spent the majority of the hours in the day upset and alone. I’ve got through each one of these days though, and I guess that’s what’s kept me going… knowing that each day is a new day, a new chance to start again. This year has really taught me that life is too short. I’ve really tried to start living in the present more often, I think a lot of us just strive to get though each day, we get through the week because we know that there’s a weekend at the end of it. But what if there were no weekends. It would be interesting to see what people did then.

I think it’s probably expected that I’ve learnt a lot about autism within the last year. Knowing more about autism has allowed me to better understand myself. Understanding that there’s a reason as to why I find certain things a lot more difficult to other people. That it’s not me just being difficult. Knowing these things has allowed me to work with people who have helped me find solutions and ways around tricky situations. I’ve been able to do and try things that I once found impossible. If I had to choose one thing that I’ve learnt most about autism, it’d be that there’s still so much understanding and acceptance that needs to be done. We’re not there yet, in fact we’re probably a long way off, but I do believe that one day we will live in a world where everyone feels as if they belong.

This year has had many ups and downs, but I wouldn’t change a thing. All the hard paths have led to new beginnings. New beginnings have led to outcomes I’ve previously thought were inpossible. I’ve challenged myself and have been able to grow. I’ve managed to get to new places which I never thought I’d reach. This year, for the first time ever, I’ve been able to be me. The truest version of myself, I don’t think it can get much better than that.