Change

There was once a time where I was afraid of change and feared new situations and things I had never done before. Until recently I would always avoid social situations, I would turn down invites to parties and evenings with my friends. Sometimes not feeling as if I was able to go to these situations did upset me, it caused much frustration and often still does. Going out after work is something that others I work with do quite regularly, up until a couple of weeks ago I had never been out with them. I’ve worked with them for 3 years.

The summer holidays have always been a big fear of mine. Six weeks of change and uncertainty would cause a lot of anxiety. I would find it hard to fill my days to keep me busy and distracted. I always relied on the consistency of school and struggled with the absence of it. Everything also seems so much busier during the summer holidays and so I used to find things, that I could usually do quite easily, difficult too.

This summer though, somethings been different. Something has changed. I have been able to do things that I’ve never been able to do before. I’ve felt as if I’ve grown up a little. I’ve been driving more; I’ve worked lots. I’ve been out after work and have been able to have a good time. When plans have changed, I’ve been able to adapt. When feelings of anxiety have crept in, I’ve been able to cope. These things that once caused great distress, have now become things that have made me brave.

Some days have been harder than others. But when the hard ones have come, I've known to hold on, because I known that things will get better. I used to think that I had to be strong all of the time, I struggled to understand how I felt, and this caused a lot of fear and frustration. Now though, I know that ‘being brave isn’t the absence of fear, being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it’.

I think the reason to why this summer has been different may have something to do with leaving school. I didn’t think I knew who I was without school. I didn’t think that I’d be able to cope without it. But it wasn’t until I left school that I realised how ready I was. I was ready to leave. I’m ready to move on. I’m excited for the next chapter in my life.