Not feeling able to be yourself
After being diagnosed with autism, school soon became the
one place where I really felt I could be myself. It didn’t matter who was
around or where I was, whenever I was in school I didn’t need to think about
who I was and how others might react to my actions because I was able to just
be me, always. Then one day that changed, and I no longer felt I was able to be
or act myself anymore whilst I was in school. I felt as if I had to keep
everything inside and not show the real me or how I was really feeling, I was
afraid of the consequences and reactions that might come from others. I no
longer could walk around without having to think twice about whether my actions
could have consequences, I no longer could say what was really on my mind. I
couldn’t be me.
For years previous to my diagnosis and months after it too I
used to pretend I was someone I wasn't, I would hide the ‘autistic side’ of me
as I feared other people’s reactions. Then when I started to feel comfortable
in school and found my place a little, I slowly began to show the real me to
people I trusted most. It took years to finally feel able to be me. It took years of
hiding in the shadows, years of learning and picking up on others behaviours
and the ways in which they would act in social situations to which I could use
and copy. When I did start being me though and showing people who I really was
and how I really acted, I found that I was a lot happier. A lot less tired, a
little less stressed, and most definitely a lot more present and connected with
those around me. I no longer had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I had
finally given myself permission to be me. All the things that I was scared of:
people’s reactions, comments and thoughts, they didn’t exist. No one questioned
me. The ones closest to me, who knew about my diagnosis, were happy to finally
see myself let go of what had been consuming me for years of my life. I finally
felt happy to be the person I was because I stopped caring so much about what
others might think, I understood myself a lot more and that made me happy to be
who I was.
When something happened in school and I no longer felt I
could be myself, it brought a lot of emotions to the surface. I was angry that
I felt people were stopping me from being able to act in the way that had took
me years to feel able to. I was frustrated that I felt I could no longer walk
around without having to think twice about the possible consequences of my
actions. It irritated me that I felt people were making me ‘pretend’ and act in
a way that wasn’t me. Most of all though I was upset that I felt I could no
longer be me, that I could no longer act myself. It was when I felt these
things that I realised how much happiness being able to be myself brought to my
life. I took for granted what it felt to be me. It wasn’t until I could no
longer feel that way that I realised what a good feeling it was.
No one should be made to feel as if they have to act
differently in order to be accepted and ‘fit in’. No one should feel as if they
have to act differently because of other people’s lack of understanding. Nobody
should be made to pretend they’re someone they’re not.
It takes a long time to feel brave enough to act in a way which you know is ‘different’ from other people. It takes even longer to find a
place in which someone feels comfortable enough to act this way. So teachers,
if students find this place within school, if they feel comfortable enough to
be them, to act in a way that is unique only to themselves. Let them be them,
let them be who they want to be, let them act in whatever way they need in
order to feel happy. Don’t make them pretend to be someone they’re not, don’t
make them change the way that they’re acting because you don’t know how to
react and do not make them feel as if they’re not able to be themselves. It’s
not kind, it’s not ‘protecting them’, and it’s certainly not fair.
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