Next Thursday - worries about my last day in school

 




Next Thursday - worries about my last day in school


Next Thursday is going to be a difficult day for me, I don’t think I or anyone around me knows how difficult it is actually going to be. Leaving school has always been a big worry of mine. For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with the absence of school over weekends and school holidays but have managed to get through them as I’ve known that I will be able to return once the weekend or holiday is over. This struggle is going to be different though because I won’t be returning. I think I’ve known that this has been coming for a while. I’ve known that the end has been approaching, fast. I’ve tried the best I can to block it out though. I’ve had other things to look forward to that have helped distract me from the end point. But now time is running out, the end is in sight and Thursday – my last day in school – is the next big thing happening.

I so want to be able to look back on my last day and for it to bring a smile to my face. I want it to be a day to remember, not because of things that went wrong, but because of the happiness I felt and other people saw. I don’t want to be sad, but at the moment I don’t know how I’m not supposed to feel sad because I think it is going to be a very hard day. I want to believe that I can be strong, that I will be able to show strength even when I’m struggling inside. I really want to be able to get through it for the people who have helped me get to where I am today. I don’t want for the last time they see me to be a time where I’m really struggling and upset. I want to be able to hold it together for them and I will try, I will try my very best, but if I can’t I hope they can accept my apologise. I hope they will remember me not because of the times where I've stumbled and fell, but for the times that I got back up and carried on. I hope that whatever I end up doing in the future will make them proud and I hope they know that I really wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for them.

So much worry and fear fill my mind when I think of never being in school again, never seeing the people who have quite literally kept me going over the last few years, never being in the place where I have made so many memories and connections with, especially over the last couple of years. I’m terrified to leave; I don’t know who I am without school, and I’m scared to find out. I don’t like the feeling of growing up and I don’t like the feeling of time going to fast either, I don’t like not feeling in control. Leaving school involves all these things. It shows that I’m growing up, it highlights just how fast time goes and it’s obvious that I can’t control any of it. I can’t stop it from happening, nobody can. It’s something that’s happening whether I like it or not.

I’m trying to prepare myself as much as I can. I’m holding on to the hope that it might actually all be ok, that I might be stronger than I think I am. I guess only time will tell. These next seven days are going to be difficult; I don’t know how I’m going to be able to block the feelings I feel about next Thursday out. I don’t know if anything I do will be enough to distract me. I think I’ve just got to let time do its thing and hold on to that little bit of hope in that it will all be ok. 



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