I finally got it




I finally got it 


I finally got it. I finally understood that it was all going to be ok. That I was going to be able to live a life without the comfort and safety of school. I understood that I was going to be able to do it and I felt excited for my next journey. My next adventure. I finally felt brave, I was happy. I understood that leaving wasn’t the end and in actual fact it was only the beginning. For months I had been dreading my last day in school, for weeks before I would try and do all I could to make time slow down, I was so anxious and worried about leaving. Whilst I now know that the anxiety and worry I felt was not necessary, I wouldn’t have wanted to change the way I felt. Experiencing those feelings taught me that things do work out in the end, that very often things aren’t as bad as we think they’re going to be, that everything will all be ok. For months I had been fighting something that I didn’t want to happen – I was afraid, but when it did happen there was nothing to be scared of. It was absolutely fine.

My last day of school taught me so much, most of all though it showed me how far I had come. How much I had learnt and what I was now able to achieve. If it wasn’t for that last day of school, if I had it my way and could have stayed there forever, I wouldn’t know the things I know about myself today. Something clicked on that day. I realised that all the things that teachers had been saying to me over previous weeks and months were actually true. That when they said I was ready to leave – I really was ready. That when they thought I could do it – I really could do it. It wasn’t until I had to leave that I realised just how ready I actually was.

A few months, or even weeks ago, I would have said that I’m waiting for it to hit me, that I’m waiting for the feelings of sadness and worry about never returning to school again. But I no longer wait for those feelings. If those feelings do come then I’ll manage them, because I now know that I can manage them. If I was able to control the way I felt on my last day of school then I can manage anything that life throws at me.

I understood that I could be happy and excited whilst still feel anxious and worried about the uncertainty of the future. I finally got that I could feel sad but at the same time feel excited. That being sad didn’t always mean getting upset and not being able to cope. I realised that I was able to manage the feelings that before I wasn’t able to manage.

Something clicked, I finally got it, and I realised that it was all going to be ok. 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I get you - poem

Image
I get you You’re not alone when you think that everyone around you has something better to be doing than listening to your problems – I get you. You’re not alone when you think that you’re wasting everyone’s time. You’re not alone on the sleepless nights or the long walks that have recently become part of your daily routine. Something so integral that keeps you on the right path. You’re not alone when the frustrations of not being able to explain how you're feeling take over – I get you. You’re not alone when the feeling of shame and thoughts of letting people down fill your mind. You’re not alone in the times where you find it really difficult to imagine a future, where you get yourself so worked up about change and not wanting to move on. You’re not alone when a good day can suddenly turn negative and the confusion of not understanding why can leave you angry and upset – I get you. You’re not alone when a situation or circumstance can leave you wishing you were different, wishing...
Read more

To the voice on my shoulder

Image
  To the voice on my shoulder You sat on my shoulder and made me feel bad, Every little thing that went wrong you made me get so mad. Made me act in a way that wasn’t like me, Repeatedly told me I was no longer free. It soon became apparent that you meant what you said, Just after two weeks I began to believe everything you read. When I tried to find peace you sat on my shoulder, Throwing words at me that hit like a boulder. Words that pushed me back a step or two, Words that often made me question if it was me talking or you. You made me weak you pushed me down, Made me change, made me frown. You questioned me when I tried to do something good, Leaving me wondering if I was actually capable of what I thought I could. I believed every word you said, I followed the routes and paths you led. You told me I was thick, that I let everyone down, Told me I was pointless and that I had to change my life around. That I had to do this, and I had to do that, Everything right and in your exact...
Read more

How my autism diagnosis changed me

Image
How my autism diagnosis changed me. When I was first diagnosed with autism, I was determined to not let my diagnosis change who I was. People close to me reassured me by saying things like I was still the same person. At the time this did help me accept and come to terms with my diagnosis. However, looking back now I think it is unfair to say to people going through an autism assessment/ diagnosis process, that an autism diagnosis doesn’t change you, that you’re still the same person after you’ve been diagnosed. Of course, it doesn’t change you physically, it’s not something that people can suddenly see - for a lot of individuals with autism, people wouldn’t be able to tell they were autistic. But I don’t think I’d be being honest if I said that my diagnosis hasn’t changed me. In truth it has. It’s allowed me to understand myself a lot better. It’s offered an explanation for the things that I find difficult. It’s made my whole life make sense. If I hadn’t been diagnosed with autism t...
Read more