Feelings on my last day of school

Feelings on my last day of school

I always expected my last day at school to be harder than it was today. Today has been far easier than I ever could have imagined. Not only has it been filled with happiness, but I’ve also been able to smile and laugh and hug the people who have played such an integral role in my journey over the last few years. Today I have proven to myself that I am going to be able to do this, that I am far stronger than I think I am. I hope I was also able today to show those who have supported me on this journey that I am going ok and that this is just the start.

When I woke up this morning, feelings of sadness and worry filled my head. I knew that the day ahead was going to tough, that I’d have to face many challenges and that the day itself and the ways I was going to feel were going to be unpredictable. There was one thing that was certain though. That I was going to have to leave for the last time. That in less than 8 hours I would no longer be a student, I would no longer be part of the school I had belonged to for the last 7 years of my life, the place which had become my biggest safety.

When I first got in, I was surprisingly calm. I think I was trying to block out what was coming and live in the moment, something I wish I could do more often. I was trying so hard not to think of what was coming and instead enjoy the moment for what it was. I think I did quite well at this. I knew that when the time came to say goodbye to everyone was when it would really start to feel real. For a while I was able to hold it together, I was able to speak and say goodbye to people without getting too overwhelmed and upset. I was proud that I was able to do this. I was even more proud of myself when I asked a few teachers, who have been a great support of mine over the last few months, if I could give them a hug. Although this might not seem like much, for someone who very much dislikes any sort of touching connection, getting a hug, let alone asking for one is something quite special. I felt like today I had to give something back, I hope that by asking for a hug can show those special people how much of an impact they’ve had on my life and just how grateful I am.

It was when the goodbyes were over, and I realised it was time to leave that things started to get a bit tricky. The thing I was trying to block out all morning, the thing I have been trying to block out all year was about to become reality. It was real and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening – I had to accept that I would have to leave. As I walked towards reception for the last time, I don’t really know what was going through my mind. I do know that whatever that feeling was I was trying my hardest to fight it. As I walked around to the back of school with a teacher who has been a huge rock of mine, I was trying to accept that this wasn’t the end but instead a bridge to the next destination. Despite my efforts in trying to convince myself this, by the time we got to where we were supposed to go our separate ways, I couldn’t and instead I walked back to reception and through the corridors which a few moments ago I never thought I’d see again. I knew that this was the wrong thing to do. I know that there are going to be things in life that I want to do but also things in life that I should do, and this was one of those things where despite wanting to go back into school, I should have just gone home. But at the time that didn’t seem like an option, I didn’t want to leave by myself. I didn’t want to walk home by myself thinking and getting upset because I was able to reflect on everything. I didn’t want that time. I didn’t want to be alone. When I walked back into school, I didn’t know what the consequences would be, I didn’t know what to expect but I knew that I didn’t want to leave alone. The teacher who had walked me round to the back of school came and found me and I told them that I wanted mum to pick me up. I promised them that I would leave when mum came. I stuck to that promise.

The biggest thing I was worried about happening on my last day was getting upset and not being able to manage the feelings I felt, I didn’t want to leave with a bad memory of my last day. For so long I had been thinking that I wasn’t ready for this, that I wouldn’t be able to cope in an unpredictable world without the comfort and safety of school. The way I left today and the way I feel now writing this suggest otherwise. Today I left school for the last time with a smile on my face and a glow in my heart. I think there was a lot of people, myself included, worried about the possible outcomes that today could have brought. I don’t think anyone could have predicted what really happened today though. I was genuinely happy. I never thought I’d be happy on my last day at school. I smiled and laughed and was able to hug the people who have played such an important part in helping me get to where I am today. The people who I am going to miss the most are the people who I never really knew I needed.

To say I am sad would be an understatement but there are also feelings of proudness and happiness that take a bigger place in my mind today. I finally can see past the fact that this is going to be the last day, I can see my future and I do feel a little bit of excitement for what’s to come. I am excited to meet the person I am yet to become, I am intrigued to learn things that will help me better understand the world, and I can’t wait to become someone that will one day be able to impact people’s lives in the same way that teachers have impacted mine. If today has taught me anything it’s that we as humans are capable of so much more than we let ourselves believe.